I’ve seen this worry in dozens of iterations. “Is it okay if I put multiple deities on my altar, I don’t want to offend them!” “I made an offering and something weird happened, is my deity angry with me?”, “I skipped a day of prayer and now I’m really scared!” etc.
Most of these worries have one thing in common: there’s a fear that there is some hidden set of rules that you don’t know, and that if you somehow break those rules, you will be punished, yelled at, or other bad things will happen. I see this a lot from people who come from Christianity or other abusive situations. In those kinds of dynamics, yeah, there’s all sorts of eggshells to walk on and unspoken rules (that often change on you arbitrarily) that you have to follow or else.
In Paganism, it is not like that. The relationships that we build with our deities are mutual and reciprocal.
You will almost never be held to rules and expectations that you are not aware of and that you didn’t agree to.
I’ll say that again: you won’t be punished for breaking some sort of “rule” you didn’t agree to.
…
I don’t like the term “offended”. Because it implies a dynamic I very much don’t want in my own deity relationships: that they are towering and dominant above me, and the onus is on me to not “offend” them or incur their wrath. “Offense” implies something arbitrary and capricious, at the whims of your deities; I have not experienced my deities to be like that. “Offense” implies that the virtue and honor of your actions are measured by how much you please (or anger) the gods. “Offense” implies that the rules are imposed by the gods onto us, rather than us having agreements with them as part of a mutual relationship.
Here are, instead, some alternative concepts that I’ve used in my practice to stay in good relationship with my deities:
Concept #1: Commitment
Did you actually commit to doing something? If you skipped a day of prayer, but you didn’t make a commitment (which was accepted) to pray every day, is it actually an issue?
It’s important to distinguish the commitments we have taken on from the “shoulds” and “ought tos” of our life. Yes, I “should” meditate at my altar every day. I have not promised to, nor have my deities told me that it is required, so it is not something that I am holding myself to strictly.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed by too many things that need to be done in your practice, ask yourself: did you actually commit to it (and was the commitment accepted)? If not, it’s okay to drop it.
(If you did over-commit, which I’ve done before, you can ask to renegotiate.)
Concept #2: “Is this okay?”
“I want to do something. I don’t know whether my deities will be mad at me if I do it.”
Here’s what you do:
- Use common sense. Is the thing you’re doing reasonable and okay on its face? For example, “Is it okay to use electric candles rather than flame candles on my altar?“. The answer is obviously yes. It can be hard to get to that answer if you believe there are hidden, arbitrary rules in Paganism. There aren’t.
- Communicate! If step 1 didn’t cut it, ask your deities if it’s okay. Listen to what they say. Discernment is very important here, because otherwise you’ll just project your own fears onto the answer. Here’s a very detailed guide on discernment.
- Don’t stress. You want to give yourself room to experiment in your practice. Otherwise you’ll do the same things over and over and be too afraid to grow.
Concept #3: Proportionality
If you make a small mistake, the gods won’t come onto you with the fire of a thousand suns. Only abusers fly off the handle at the slightest transgression. The gods are not abusers.
You should avoid making mistakes, and you should make up for any mistakes you’ve made. But you need not fear wrath over a small mistake, especially if you’re a beginner.
Try to unpack your fear of being punished for mistakes. Where does it come from? Is it a rational fear?
Concept #4: Deconstruct punishment
Is “punishment” actually part of your relationship? Christianity loooooves to talk about punishment. Try to deconstruct the notion of “punishment” itself. Is there even a place for it in your practice?
There certainly isn’t in mine. If the gods I’m devoted to Capital-P “Punished” me for something I did, that would be a pretty significant betrayal of trust.
I have made commitments, I have given oaths, I have taken on obligations and prohibitions. Breaking them would incur consequences. But consequences and punishment are two different things. Learn the difference.
Concept #5: Would you want to worship a deity who […]?
Our relationships are reciprocal. Our worship is not an obligation, it is the building of a connection.
Would you worship a deity who gets really angry at the smallest mistake? Would you worship a deity who punishes you for being human?
Flip the tables. If your friend did the thing you just did, would you want to make them suffer? (Hopefully not.)
I believe the gods are virtuous. I believe that, if you think your deity is punishing you over something minor, it’s most likely internalized abuse or a failure of discernment (talk to a therapist!). But the idea of, “Would I want to worship a deity who…” centers one very important thing: I have agency and sovereignty in my relationships, and I am not trapped in an inescapable situation. As someone who’s dealt with trauma for a big chunk of my life, this was a very important shift in mentality.
Concept #6: If you’re an advanced practitioner
If you’re an advanced practitioner, you’ll find that there’s nuance to what I just said.
When you go deeper into your practice, you’ll have less room for mistakes, and your mistakes become more consequential. You’ll be expected to “know better”.
There are no “hidden” rules to building relationships with deities. But over time, you tend to collect obligations and expectations that sort-of act like “rules”. Sometimes there will be actual rules. If you have these, you’ll know, and it will be explicit. You’ll almost certainly have the opportunity to accept these new duties and obligations, or to negotiate them.
But these are different from “will I offend my deity if I do X?“. 99 times out of 100, the answer is, “no, you won’t”.